I have spent the last few months on an extended Sabbath, or sabbatical as some may call it.
Before leaving my home church, for quite some time, I had been in a place where I went to church out of obligation, not enjoyment. I was burnt out. It was something I held close to my heart, hiding from the people I loved and served.
I spent my entire childhood waiting to become an adult. Now, at 23, married and in full time ministry with a full time job on the side to make ends meet: my only thought was "This is it? This is what I've waited for?"
I think everyone comes to this moment in adulthood.
Please understand that this inner struggle was just that: inner. It was hidden. That is, right up until October. When October came it became clear to me that "this" was definitely not it for me. It became apparent that I was out of place in what had been my home.
When you lose your ministry, your home church and leave your denomination of nine years there are many emotions that come into play during the healing process.
And that's exactly what the first month was: healing, because if we're being honest I was down right broken inside. I had been angry for quite some time. Frustrated. It felt as though nine years and $40,000 in debt for my Bachelor's had come to nothing. I worked for years in the hope of making myself into an acceptable "Preacher Lady" within my denomination.
Only to find there was nothing about me that was acceptable.
I was too unconventional. Too outside of the box. I believed too differently on open handed subjects that were never meant to make the rifts that we allow them to within the Bride of Christ.
The second month was one of letting go.
I let go of the notion that nine years meant loyalty. I let go of a good portion of my anger (and have to pick up forgiveness every day) for the hurt that I've experienced in this process.
Now, in the third month, I realize what all of this has been for: a redefining.
The Spirit is redefining what "church" is to me, I believe in an effort to help me see what it's always been meant to be. Did you know the Greek word used by Jesus and all the New Testament writers when they spoke of The Church is a word that simply means a gathering of believers?
When we look up the word there is no mention whatsoever of a building or a steeple.
Yet when we go to other countries to be missionaries we "build churches"? Instead of teaching them to value themselves and one another as the body and bride of Christ, we teach them: you need a building to be valid.
Awesome.
Now we wonder why people in America don't want to hear what we have to say? Maybe because they recognize the false doctrine in that teaching. They realize when what they're hearing in a lie. Yes, even those not "saved" can recognize truth. To believe otherwise is foolish and ignores the fact that we are made in God's image. Even if a mirror is damaged, we still call it a mirror.
But more importantly, God is redefining my calling.
At 16 when He revealed to me that my calling was to be a pastor I was terrified. Not only did I hate speaking publicly, but I was awfully unpolished. However, as I have come to learn God chooses the unpolished to use. (Moses was a slow speaker, Peter had a habit of putting his foot in his mouth when he spoke, Paul persecuted Christians, many of the disciples had no education besides how to fish.)
Maybe to be a pastor there doesn't have to be a podium. (THANK GOD!)
Maybe it means, like it meant for Peter, to be a fisher of men.
Blessings,
B.
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